What mistakes did your parents make while raising you that you will be careful to avoid in your own parenting?

Not teaching me a lot of basic shit, like how to shave, how credit/debit works, exploring food like sushi, teaching me about other countries.

I was taught a lot, especially common sense. I can troubleshoot and diagnose like a madman, even things I know very little about. But my dad wasn’t a talker, so didn’t get much there.

I talk to my kid about everything, we lookup what we don’t know or want to know more about. I go over mistakes I made in life giving him examples of how to not make the same mistakes.

We call everything “experience”, even bad things, and we learn from them, not unlike skill points and experience points in video games. You can learn from anything, not just good things.

Not yelling at them for every little thing. I also want to try and allow them to explore all types of interests and activities.

Hitting your kids: don’t fucking do that. You might not ever see them when they reach adulthood.

“No buts! Because I said so”

I explain things to my kids so they know WHY we are doing them. If they have an idea as to why we should be doing it differently, like give me 10 more minutes first, or I like it this way, then I listen, consider a compromise, if at all possible.

For example, if it’s time for bed, but they’re in the middle of a fortnite match, then I let them finish it. If it’s time for school, and they just started a match, sorry, turn it off, you knew we had to leave soon.

I think when people think in terms of “my dad did this, I won’t do that”, they often miss what the real issue was. They end up being bad parents, just in a different way.

My wife and I raised three kids, and I fucked them up in my own special way. Not anything like how my parents did me.

If I were to look back over my life and offer advice, the advice I’d offer is: get some therapy. Have a disinterested, professional person to talk to every, single, damn week for the rest of your life. Being a parent will fuck you up.

And that’s coming from someone who doesn’t regret having kids.

When I was first thinking about having kids, I was thinking I didn’t have the right personality. I spoke to my brother who had one child at the time, and he explained that when you have a kid you’re so filled with love for them that nothing they do bothers you.

I had a kid. From birth to about 18 months, he screamed. He screamed for everything. He would scream for hours about anything that bothered him. My mom worked as a nurse in a hospital nursery. She cared for her kids, friends kids, family’s kids. She said that in her entire life she never heard a baby scream so loud. My MIL was also a nurse and worked in maternity. Same deal. She was amazed at how loud he was.

I called my brother up to yell at him. He said I was right and he got it wrong. His first kid was easy. His second kid would get him so tight he’d have to leave the house to get away from her.

Back to my kid: Everyone asks, “oh, was it colic?” No. Not colic. The instant he started talking, he stopped screaming. The screaming was just what he did to communicate before he could talk.

I mention the story about the screaming because that was the easy part of parenting.

If my kids are not allowed to do/choose something, I tell them why.

My career is a very niche part of IT, and I like it, but I often wonder how different my life would be if I was able to actually study music and music production from the age of 16 instead of dropping out of all other forms of education. Maybe my musical endeavors today would be more than noodling for my own amusement. My parents were very supportive with most things I did, except that one time I wasn’t allowed to go to the only school that interested me. I never learned why.

A small thing, but my parents were very authoritarian. Rules were honestly fair, but any discussion was immediately closed by “because I said so”. In particular as a teenager, I was aware enough to both realize that the rules were overall fair, so I didn’t want to go on an all out war, but also wanted to discuss about finer points. But there was no space for a civil discussion because my parents “said so”.

I really wish that my parents had mentioned much earlier in my life that mental illness runs in the family and what the signs were so that I could have started getting treatment right away, rather than wasting years of my life confusing feelings of depression for proof that I was a terrible person. (Just to be clear, there was no malice involved; my mom just felt really self-consious about it, so she did not want to bring it up.)

if they’re introverted, don’t treat that as a “defect” that needs to be fixed

As a father, I’m going to be better than mine by fucking showing up and being in my kid’s life.

beating them with a belt.

throwing ALL their stuff out into the street because the kid was late one time

these seemed like mistakes to me so I didn’t do them with my kid

Deciding to keep me at 15 & 19.

I love my life, am absolutely happy to be alive, don’t get it twisted. But 2 teenagers not having an abortion is the original sin of their poor parenting choices

Reproducing in the first place. I’m not making that mistake.

I’ll try not to be an asshole.

So my old man was and still is extremely smart. Every night, he’d take time to teach me math and English. Thing is, I am not so smart and so have a lot of trouble following his teaching. That would make him frustrated because he couldn’t figure out a way to explain the concept to me and he’d get mad.

I’m grateful now for the education he gave me, but as a little kid all I could think of was that my dad was going to be mad again because I couldn’t learn well enough.

It impacted me through all my schooling. Yes I was a straight A student, but I hated studying. It was only after I started studying things I was passionate for that I got over it.

Again, I don’t hold a grudge against my old man. He did the best he could and I love him for it. But I will try to find more patience with my daughter when I teach her.

Honestly my mom is so weird:

Like, when I was a kid, she’ll cuddle with me, encourage me to sleep in their bed, and like show affection, and she had moments when she was so wholesome and lovely. She frequently tells me how much she loves me, how smart she supposely thought of me.

But also, often times like… she can easily flip and like yell at me for small mistakes and scold me and belittle me… and I’d cry…

My brain is so fucking confused… lol… what the fuck was that?

Why was I shown love, then she flips on a different mask and becomes a different person like an hour later?

Bipolar?

Idk I have a truma bond to her, so confusing.

As for dad… idk he is just like chilling and doesn’t really show either affection much but neither yells much either… like apathetic…

But anyways, if I ever have children, I’ll do the affection thing, but I’ll make sure I control my emotions and never show anger directed towards my children. I will never make my children feel scared like the way I felt when mom always did to me. Never again.

My parents raised my brother. My sister, and I grew up in his shadow.

Don’t be religious.

Lots of spanking involving hard shoes. Bonus that my sister and I had to pick the instrument of our prolonged beatings… and if we picked something ‘too soft’ our dad would get a much worse item. Never found out what it would be, but the extra level of terrorism was a nice touch.

Cold, distant mother who was not a victim of abuse as we were. She didn’t care what he did. Your classic malignant narcissist who was expert at praising herself in just about any conversation. ’Oh you did well in that programming course you just took? My teacher told me I was the best he ever saw’. Both in reference to Visual Basic for an extra level of rank stupidity.

Both of them seemed to view their friends as commodities to be exchanged as soon as they lost their value or someone better came along. I can’t remember how often I got to hear about some ‘friends’ who they didn’t associate with who “didn’t know what they were talking about” in reference to some interest of one or both. Horse riding, wine tasting, etc.

I had alcohol poisoning at 12 due to both their view we should be able to drink at dinner (absolutely fine in a vacuum) but having the kind of friends they did at the party this happened at.

My mom tried to get me to at least puff on a cigarette when I was 5… I already thought her smoking was gross so I didn’t.

And my favorite was at 7 when I suffered a severe TBI that resulted in swelling on my brain and diagnosis that I needed surgery at alleviate it. My mother, a mildly famous biochemist who was conveniently anti science in most of her views, realized I need some veggie smoothies and psychic healing instead. Phew, good thing it doesn’t cause problems to this day almost a half century later.

Maybe that’s why I just shrugged when she died a couple weeks ago.

I’ve tried exceptionally hard to not be them, both in adult relationships and those with my stepdaughter and her kids. I’m not terribly close with the former by her choice (none of the family is as since she joined a VERY fundamentalist church and went all in on madness) but both of our grandkids are a nearly daily part of my life.

I wouldn’t hit my kids. At least not until they can reasonably fight back and only if we are in a ring because they agreed to fight.

Asking his 12 year old, over the protests of his wife, whether said 12 year old prefers girls with big boobs or small boobs. And pressing the issue for ten minutes after the 12 year old told him that that was an offensive and disgusting question to hear from this particular pervert and demonstrated child groomer.

Don’t have so many kids you barely know their names, let alone needs and interests.

Don’t parentify the girls, making them into mini-mothers that care for the others.

Don’t instruct the boys that keeping a clean home, cooking, and hygiene is women’s work and beneath them.

Don’t use physical negative reinforcement (no hitting, no limiting calories).

Don’t teach that reaching out for help is a moral failing.

Don’t indoctrinate them into a religion.

Don’t instill pride and moral superiority in being “better” and “different” than other families.

Do sit and introspect on how you’re treating your kids. Challenge your preconceptions. My parents could read the above and insist they never did any of them, that they were great parents.

Living with an abusive husband (my first stepfather).

Being super over-protective; all it did was make me fail and get into trouble a lot more in adulthood.

Having me in general.

I got snipped so no kids for me unless I somehow end up divorced/widowed and marry someone who already has kids (though most parents around my age have kids already out on their own).

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Having children.

That’s a mistake I’m not going to repeat.

For interacting with kids, I always try to act like I’m interested in the things they’re talking about. It doesn’t matter if it’s their tiny life goals, or that cool rock they saw yesterday that wasn’t as cool as the rock they saw last month at the museum.

Nobody was ever interested in anything I have to say, and even after being with my wife for 6 years, she’s still trying to get me to talk more. Even I want to share something, my brain still says “they’re not interested, don’t bother” and I just keep it to myself. That’s probably why I like to comment on platforms like this so much, I can speak my piece and then move on and if anyone is interested in replying, I get a (usually) nice interaction with someone for a few minutes.

My wife’s dead sister used to scream at her children when they spoke because she “doesn’t want to hear [their] bullshit” and whenever her youngest would start giggling at something she was talking about she would scream at her to shut up because she’s annoying. The oldest was old enough to remember all of this perfectly, the youngest just has night terrors she can never remember.

My wife’s living sister just ignores her 8 children when they’re talking. Almost never even looks away from her phone or laptop when they talk and goes “yeah, uh-huh, mhmm, yep” and so on to make it seem like she’s listening. The oldest has caught on and has started saying off the wall stuff like “my head came off at school and the teacher kicked it into the trash” and things like that to see if her mother even notices. Usually she doesn’t.

It’s not enough to just be technically listening. You have to show interest. It’s not always easy, and when you have a lot on your plate it’s even harder, but you can sit and listen to babbling for a few minutes, it won’t hurt you, and you might make that kid’s day.

I won’t tell my kid not to “stoop to their level” and say to punch back when punched

If I had kids, I would take them seriously.
Just because they’re kids doesn’t mean they don’t know how they feel or what they need.

Having children.

Yeah nah, not having kids. I do like kids, but I recognise my ability to withstand stress and sleep deprivation is pretty limited. My own parents did a number on me besides, and I’m not introducing a living thing into this world to perpetuate that trauma

Don’t teach that cleaning, cooking etc is only a girl thing, don’t hit them, don’t spoil them too much (but don’t make them have zero money either), don’t force religion upon them, don’t force them to have your same ideologies, don’t try to make them be “better” than the kids if the same age, don’t force ‘em to do shit they don’t want to do, don’t teach ‘em that there are things that only males can do and things that only females can do and be supportive to them, approve their hobbies
:3

I didn’t live some of those luckly, like the one of being better than everyone but i feel like i have to include those. I am a very open minded person i think and so i would reflect that on my child, if i ever have one.

Hmm… All of them?

I don’t have kids.

Ha, ha, yes, I’m very funny :P

To answer your secondary question, well, I’m not sure. I can think of infuriating things adults did when I was a kid, but it isn’t something I think a lot about day-to-day.

Things like hearing a dismissive “No one ever said life was fair”, maybe.

I mean, the entirety of my interaction with my parents was:

Mom: Dumped me on her mom, and grandma

Dad: Left the state to chase tail

So, y’know. Short list of things not to do.

In terms of adults in general:

• If a kid is failing in school despite knowing the material, maybe something is wrong.
• Do not give an 8 year old unrestricted access to the internet when LiveLeak was a thing
• If a therapist says the kid has depression/anxiety, don’t bring them to another therapist just because one of the drugs that’s prescribed for that can cause suicidal ideation in some preteens
• If a therapist lets you stay in the room while the session is going on, the kid is 100% lying to everyone in that room, maybe even themselves
• Don’t stay in the room with the therapist
• Literally those last 3 points are what keeps therapy from working for me. I can’t trust therapists at all. DO. NOT. DO. THAT.
• If you’re religious, and your religion is anti-queer, your child can still be queer, they’ll just be miserable, and not trust you

I think that’s it, really. Aside one thing: They’re people, not property. Treat them like people, and you’ll have a lot better time with them.

Use windows

if your kid doesn’t want to do something, don’t force it on them. I’m not talking about the things everyone needs to do like brushing ones teeth or getting an education. I mean, don’t sign them up for a baseball team if they show no interest in baseball. Don’t force them to hang out with the neighbor kids if they don’t like the neighbor kids. Don’t force them to wear their hair they way you think they should, etc.

let them make their own choices (within reason, ofc) and teach them that they have their own agency. if you do or don’t want them to do a thing, explain why, have a dialogue ("no back talk” is bullshit, sometimes your kids have a good point an you’re being an asshole) and listen to them.

Having kids in the first place

Having kids.

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I’m not a parent and I won’t ever be a parent.

But if there’s anything I’ve learned growing up - be a role model. My parents weren’t really planners, they didn’t have plans for themselves and moreso, they didn’t have strong ambitions. So, when they had me and my sister, we grew up almost never knowing what we want to do with our lives and not having the tools necessary to get there.

All we know and have done is work jobs that are minimum wage, paycheck to paycheck and just paying to survive another day. I’m fearful for my future every other day because, I don’t know what is ever next for me and what I could achieve that can get me out of the hole I seemingly got myself in. I don’t even know what I want to do next after I’m done with where I’m working now.

So the point of what I’m getting at is, parents, give your children something to look forward to. Give your children a model to live by and give them the support they need when they decide to pick up on something that they want to do. It’s easier for a child to go out and do something when they know their parents did the same things, enough to also raise their children because they care. Far more than just bringing in more lives and not even giving them the blueprints needed for their futures.

Haha. There’s that many traumatic events from my childhood, dysfunctional would be an understatement. Suffice to say I am not having children I will break the cycle.

I have already raised my kid. There were two things I was determined to do differently.

1. BE THERE my self centered father was just never around.
2. This really a refinement of item 1, supervise and monitor your kids life. People love to deride involved parents by calling them helicopter parents. If you are an adult, you did not get to spent time alone with my kid. The only adults allowed to do that were the teachers when at school. I did not trust any adult that wanted to spent time with other people’s kids.

A dad who was coaching the peewee soccer team, and his own kid was on it, ok. I am still watching you, but I get that.

Some adult whose kid is not on the team… hmmmmmm.

The daycare my kid went to had to have at least two people on duty at all times.

Twofold, religion and physical abuse for bad behavior.

My parents gave birth to me and brought me into this world, so I sure as hell am not going to do that to a child of my own.